Historically, definite and stereotypical gender roles have existed. The man was always considered the leader and financial provider of the home. The woman was primarily viewed as the caretaker of the home and children. But these roles are changing. More dads are taking on the role of primary caregiver. There are over 60,000 stay-at-home dads in South Africa. In the US, there is a growing trend of stay-at-home dads from 4% to 7%. Most of these stay-at-home dads chose this role. Some of the reasons included supporting their career women, a desire to give their children a different parenting experience, and the pandemic.
I asked some men and women in Uganda what they think about the reality of stay-at-home dads. Here is what they had to say
“I want to be open to it, but no. I would love it if my man earned the money. There's something attractive about the man as a financial provider of the home.” - Ary, 43
“I do not think I can afford to live that life because of the chores involved. Besides, there are power struggles that come with my woman being the financier of our home. It automatically makes her a leader, she may try to control me. I wonder how male lions do it because the females are the primary hunters and leaders.” - Joram, 27
Money is a symbol of power and a big reason why most men and women are not open to the idea of a stay-at-home dad.
Sherina and Kandwanaho had some opinions about gender roles and the job market. “Within the Ugandan job market, if you don’t have access to a sizeable income, the home needs two breadwinners. So, stay-at-home parents are not a good idea in general. Also, when women are stay-at-home parents they are mindful of the home chores. Men still expect to be served even when they are stay-at-home parents because of job loss.” - Sherina, 36
“Men like dominance and like to be in control of the finances. So stay-at-home dad is a no." - Kandwanaho, 37
Paul, Joan, and Sue shared some insights about cultural and religious norms in their opinions.
“Socially and culturally it's a reversal of roles that rubs everyone the wrong way. Hanging out with your peers at the bar and telling your friends you are a stay-at-home dad is defying what we know to be the natural order of things.” - Paul, 45
“Religious backgrounds inform our gender roles and that is still in play. Provision for the family makes men’s self-esteem go up, confidence is high. Men who are not financial providers for their families are not happy.” - Joan, 33
“A big strong No. God did not make a mistake in making man a provider and a woman a nurturer. Switching those roles can cause frustration for women when the man does not pick up his slack or if he is not providing. A few men from Northern and Eastern Uganda try to do chores at home, but most look down on them. The provision makes a man respectable and easier to submit to. I can’t imagine myself providing for my family.” - Sue, 30
32-year-old Isaac shared some insightful history, “Before the industrial revolution, most families were cultivators, so both parents stayed home with their kids and worked within reach. After the industrial revolution, people had to work far away from home, so it required one parent to be a stay-at-home parent. Now, I'm in the office instead of the garden or industry."
A connotation and a question.
When you say stay-at-home - it invokes a feeling that the stay-at-home parent is doing the lesser role of child-rearing. In contrast, the other parent is doing a bigger role in making the money. Society generally expects this “bigger" role to be the man’s role. Meaning even if the lady is a millionaire, people would still expect the man to be doing something income-generating. For example, investing that money or doing his Ph.D. or writing a book, or being a fitness influencer.
Also, house-helps in Africa are affordable, so if you have a nanny, your home chores are significantly less. Then what do you do with the balance of time and energy as a stay-at-home dad?” - Isaac, 32
It should be noted that many stay-at-home dads in Africa are not the typical stay-at-home parent who only takes care of their home and children. These fathers may work remotely or part-time, some are semi-retired by choice alongside their biggest role - being the primary caregiver and doing the house chores.
Conclusion
Having men as stay-at-home dads has its upside and downside. One of the upsides of being a stay-at-home dad is the sense of fulfillment that comes with being a primary caregiver. More so, children enjoy stay-at-home dads because they are generally more active and adventurous. They will take more risks and involve the kids in interesting activities. The downside, on the other hand, is the stigma. Some people assume you are lazy or not serious. There will be awkwardness when you tell some people you are a stay-at-home dad. Healthline intimates that the shift for men from being financial providers to stay-at-home parents is often a cause of more depression symptoms in men than women.
All that said, house chores and child care, like any other job, will need work-life balance as a stay-at-home dad. Women as breadwinners feel supported when one parent is the children's caretaker as their careers take off. But many do feel guilty about the role reversal and frustration if the stay-at-home dad is not doing the chores well.