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In any relationship, there will be several factors that determine whether both of you are a match and the pairing will work long-term. Love may be the foundation for any partnership, but contributing factors like communication, respect, and trust will sustain the relationship. However, there is one factor that people who are dating are usually hesitant to discuss for fear of seeming shallow or materialistic - finances.
So let me pose this question to you, "If your significant other or potential love interest earned less than you, would it be a deal-breaker?"
I’m sure we would all answer this question differently based on our personal dating preferences and criteria. I'm willing to bet money that you have a secret list of preferred qualities for your ideal partner; whether you’ve written it down somewhere to manifest to the universe or it is just at the back of your mind. Regardless of the must-have qualities you have on your list, it is still important to think about what counts as a deal-breaker for you.
In this case, we’re talking money.
Back in the day, the men brought home the bacon while women were the homemakers. Getting married to a man who was financially stable was the dream. So if a man wasn’t a viable provider, he didn’t stand much of a chance of getting the girl. Fortunately, much has changed over the last few decades and women now make up a significant percentage of the working population putting less pressure on men to support their partners.
Now that this is the case, how should you approach this topic when navigating the dating pool or trying to make it work with a potential romantic partner?
Talk about it before you start dating (this is a non-negotiable)
So dating someone who earns less money should be more of a non-issue, right? Well, for most people it is, sometimes causing a rift in couples before the relationship even gets a fair chance to mature. Finances and income are some of the biggest reasons people in relationships fight and even break up. It is considered a taboo topic that we shy away from, but avoiding the money talk before committing to someone long-term is a huge mistake.
The best way to handle this is to address it before it becomes a problem in the relationship. To start, you’ll have to be honest with yourself about what you expect someone to bring to the table in a relationship. I know many people aren’t fond of the question, “What do you bring to the table?” because it has often been weaponized against those who feel they deserve more than bare minimum efforts in a potential suitor. So maybe use it in the right context to avoid making an enemy before you get a chance to gain a lover.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand - you don’t have to talk about your views on money on the first date but it can be helpful to acknowledge your perspective on finances before navigating a relationship with someone new. The biggest mistake you can make when dating is not being honest with yourself. There are people who want to be with a partner who can support them and that’s fine. There are also people who want to be the ones making the money in the relationship and calling the shots.
Whatever the case, dig deep within yourself and find out what it is you want before pursuing a partner and set your expectations accordingly. Most importantly, if someone does not meet your expectations as a potential partner, move on to the next one if you are not willing to compromise on this. Some people might get into a relationship with someone and realize down the line that they do not meet their expectations, financial or otherwise. They might become frustrated with their partner for it when in reality, all this could have been avoided by talking about it from the start.
What if you’ve already started seeing each other?
If you are seeing someone and things are getting serious, it is always advisable to discuss your financial status and how you see things progressing over the next few years. Talk about what you want for your future financially, not forgetting vital contributing factors like family care and housing. If you can find out who makes what and how you both feel about money before committing to each other, this will help you avoid any issues on income differences.
There are many people who factor in income when looking for a partner, and with good reason. You’re eventually going to intertwine your life with this person if things go well and various financial factors will come into play. Money will be an issue in the relationship in one way or another. Dating and spending your lives together means you’ll be making a number of financial decisions together, so it is smart to consider their current income and their possible future financial status. It will matter for your financial well-being as a couple.
You’re eventually going to start planning a future with this person you are dating so you’ll need to be able to factor in both of your future earnings. If your plans don’t match your partner’s income, it shouldn’t be a deal-breaker. Instead, that should be a point of discussion about what you’ll do to improve the situation. Take time to think about both of your financial styles; what does money mean to you? What are your spending habits like and how do you prioritize what to spend money on? Think about how much each of you considers enough to be a comfortable financial cushion.
How do you compromise?
There’s no specific answer for should earn more in a relationship. Yes, money still matters but what should be more important is how the person you are dating feels about their work situation and that they are happy in their career. Are they feeling happy, satisfied, and fulfilled in their work? Do they enjoy doing what they do regardless of how much money it brings them? If the answer to both these questions is a resounding yes, then that should be what matters; that and the fact that you care about this person enough to make it work.
However, if your partner is unhappy with their financial situation or their career, you can encourage them to find work that makes them feel more inspired or campaign for more creative freedom or responsibility at their current workplace. Speak to them from a place of approval and love if they are uncomfortable with the financial imbalance in the relationship and see how you can help them get their desired career.
Sometimes, a person could really like their job while wanting to make more money, it’s only natural. They’ll probably even feel more fulfilled if they’re doing what they love and being fairly compensated for it. You can help them in this endeavor by being a source of encouragement and support as they advocate for more benefits or a salary raise at work. You never know, you could help your partner realize their optimum salary potential.
Ultimately, both of you will have to work through some kind of financial issues if you are dating. After all, no two people in a relationship will have the same home and career situation. We all bring something different to the metaphorical table. Determine what works for both of you financially as a couple and maintain an open dialogue together to support your dating journey.